Today my journey home took longer than usual. I had to get a different train to a different station because trains weren’t running on the line I would usually use. The trains weren’t running because someone committed suicide.
On any other day that would have seemed tragic to me and I would have thought for a bit about that person, what they must have been going through, and what their family will have to go through. But today it feels like it hits me even harder, because today I turned down a job with the Samaritans.
It was a really difficult decision to make. Leaving the BHF would feel like a waste of all the effort I’ve put in over the last two years, but not going to the Samaritans feels like a waste of an opportunity. Both charities do fantastic work saving people’s lives. Both roles are awesome and the work inspiring, both will achieve something amazing.
Being wanted is supposed to make you feel good, instead I feel torn and that whatever I do I’m letting someone down and failing at something I chose to set it motion. I wish I could do both jobs.
If I was superstitious and believed in signs I might think that the events of today were meant to be a message for me. But of course I’m far too rational to believe in signs and my locus of control is far too internal to think that events that are absolutely nothing to do with me should have some bearing on my decisions.
But I wonder… did I make the right decision.